Alcoholism's Antidote: Self-Discovery by James Stephen Du Bois, Chapter One, Taking Charge

It can be filled with love and light and joy, but our soul can never be filled with drink, or drugs, or food, or even sex, or money.

Did you ever wonder what energy is behind your excessive drinking, or smoking, or other self-destructive substance abuse? It’s your mystery to find out. Perhaps these tools can help you.

As promised, today I offer Chapter One, Taking Charge as part three in the serialization of my book, Alcoholism’s Antidote, Self-Discovery, Insights from an Alcohol Survivor, 24 years Free!

CHAPTER I

TAKING CHARGE

“I Want to Stop Drinking, Yet I Still Want a Drink. What do I do?”

If you have chosen to challenge alcohol’s dominance over your life, recognize that something inside of you is stirring, something with an unlimited amount of positive energy behind it, something capable of overwhelming your alcohol demons, something that will fortify your will and support your recovery. Tap into it. How? Please follow along.

Though I do not endorse the religions that were created in his wake, I have experienced the truth in the ancient wisdom attributed to the prophet Jesus,

Ask and it shall be given you;

Seek and ye shall find;

Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

(Luke 11:9)

From a different religious tradition, the 20th century spiritual light, Paramahansa Yogananda, agrees and counsels us to pray as a child to a parent, never as a beggar to a benefactor. In your own way and words ask the unseen energy behind everything, “Can’t you hear me knocking? You created me. I am your child. Won’t you give me the strength to do what it takes to free myself from alcohol? How do I resurrect my life?”

Don’t stop asking until you feel an answer. Pester the consciousness of the Universe. You won’t be punished. You will be rewarded greatly. If you keep asking and asking and asking your questions, while collecting the hints and insights that come to you, these little bits and pieces of information will accumulate into all of the answers you seek.

I don’t know that any Divine Agency took the time to hear my petitions and answer my prayers. I do know that the act of my praying for answers affected my own psychological make-up and I became aware of possibilities I had never seen in myself before. Praying for help also gave me a sense of connection to the Divine and the strength available through it.

Your mind may argue against what occurs to you, leaving you in endless debate over pros and cons, but your heart cuts right through all of the persiflage and wordplay and knows what is true immediately. Follow your heart.

To achieve a state of mind that takes talking to the source of your existence seriously, and even more importantly, to achieve a state of being that is receptive to the returning message, begin by taking several long walks surrounded by nature. Take in plenty of fresh air. Make your pilgrimages long enough to steal your attention away from the repetition of your normal thoughts. Go to the ocean, or the mountains, or the woods, or a park near your home, somewhere you can breathe freely as––with a little strolling–you burn up some of the anxiety and emotions that naturally come along with working on your inner life. Moving forward on a physical path in the glory of nature, can help you move forward psychologically. As with all of the advice in this book, don’t take my word for it, see for yourself, experience it for yourself.

If you don’t get around very well make whatever arrangements you need to have someone take you to an awe-inspiring natural setting. Something as simple as observing the broader perspective provided by the natural world can help jog you out of your narrow patterns of thought and ultimately, your narrow patterns of behavior.

However you choose to do it, literally pick yourself up and wrest yourself from your normal environment and get out into the bigger natural world. Find a place where you feel safe and comfortable in your surroundings and get to work. Go once. Go twice. Go ten times ten times. While there, ask yourself what you really want to do with your life. It’s time to make a fundamental choice. Are you going to live and thrive, or are you going to extinguish the light that was given to you, thus denying the world your unique contribution?

More on your unique contribution to the universe later; for now, find out what you want more than a drink. Is there anything in your life more important than your next drink? Here are a few possibilities to help you get started thinking in this direction.

“I want to feel good about myself more than I want to drink.”

“I want my relationships with others more than my relationship with alcohol.”

“I want my job more than I want to drink.”

“I want my sanity more than inebriation.”

“I want to feel good physically more than I want to drink.”

“I want to create things with my mind and hands more than I want to drink.”

“I want to understand why I desire alcohol so much that I’m willing to trade everything else in my life for it.”

Let’s pluralize the question. What things in your life are more important than your next drink? What are your answers? Take your time. Write them down in a notebook. Do your actions match your answers?

After working earnestly with these questions for a while you can let your conscious mind take a well-deserved rest before redoubling your efforts. Your subconscious mind, however will continue to work now that you’ve stirred up its fertile ground with your questioning. The questions you’ve planted there––by doing exercises in this book––will develop into answers and will mature into very fruitful inspirations. These will pop into your conscious mind at the most unexpected times. Write them down. Work with them.

Make a note of the ideas that seemingly pop out of nowhere that you wish to explore further. You will find that your notes and more elaborate writings describing these insights will become the blueprints for the reconstruction of your life.

Identifying Your Different Facets

Who within you wants to drink?

Who within you wants to quit?

Who within you is in charge?

You may see yourself as one person. People most likely recognize you as the same individual each time they meet you. However, if you will take the time and trouble to observe yourself, you will come to see that you are not a singular entity, but a manifold composition of many competing energies. We are all driven by needs, desires, compulsions and inclinations. Joseph Campbell, noted scholar of myths and how they relate to our human lives, reports that even our very organs have their own concerns and want to run the whole show in order to satisfy themselves. Any one of a myriad of energies can, and at times does, take over our whole life, mostly under the total ignorance of our conscious mind. In the case of addiction, it does so at our extreme peril.

Right now you are undergoing a battle between the part of you––the energy within you––that feels it needs to drink, and the parts––the energies within you––that need you not to drink.

Who is this drinker in you? What needs of its do you satisfy by drinking? Take some time with this on one of those strolls I mentioned.

Who is this within you that wants to be alcohol-free?

How many parts of you are being denied and drowned out by “The Drinker” having taken over the whole show?

A whole branch of psychology is dedicated to discovering how many different “subpersonalities” any one individual has, what they are, which ones are in control and when. Interpretations of these energies lead people to call them the inner-child, the higher-self, the warrior, the seeker, the critic, the saint, the sinner, the victim, the thinker, the timid one and the star, among innumerable other titles. The names help to separate the different expressions of our fundamental energies.

Pioneering work was done on subpersonalities by psychiatrist Roberto Assagioli and furthered by his student Piero Ferrucci. If you want to learn more about this fascinating subject you should be able to find Ferrucci’s, What We May Be, inexpensively, at a local used book store, or on the internet, or free at a library. The same is true of any of the books I will be recommending.

Every one of our energies desires expression. The problems start when a single one wants to dominate them all and determine that it is the only one that matters. In an ideal situation we can rely on the cooperative effort of all of our parts in pursuit of a common goal. But, if we are not even conscious that we are a composite of energies––that haven’t even been introduced to each other, each one with its own agenda, each one taking the wheel when it can get it––how can we even begin to make sense of our confusing and paradoxical behavior?

When you find that you are in conflict with yourself, you have found evidence of at least two competing subpersonalities (energies) within you. For example, in some people, “Boy I’d like another big piece of chocolate cake slathered in buttercream frosting,” competes with, “I want to be vibrantly healthy,” or “I want to fit into my new bikini.”

“I hate my job,” often competes with and ultimately takes second place to, “I need health insurance and am willing to do just about anything to get it,” or, “I need the security of a weekly paycheck,” or, “I have to pay the mortgage for my not-so-dream house.”

Too often, “I hate it, but I'm staying at my job,” wins out over, “I want to be vibrantly healthy,” and in our despair we end up consuming a whole pint of chocolate ice-cream, or a fifth of Jack, or engaging in some other unhealthy behavior in an attempt to fill the void we feel in our unfulfilled soul.

It can be filled with love and light, but our soul can never be filled with drink, or drug, or food, or even sex, or money.

Tragically, “I’d rather be following my dreams,” is too easily overcome in many with, “It’s so much easier to have someone else create a job for me than for me to create one out of my own dreams.” This, of course, is stated, “I need a steady income. I need insurance. And besides, too many people are already doing what I want to do, and they are so much better at it than I am. It’s just not in the cards for me.”

Within you, the “I require another drink,” energy has challenged and, apparently, overwhelmed most of the other energies, desires, and needs you have and has taken control. Owing to the strong influence of psychological addiction and physical dependency, the drinker is more difficult to pry loose from the helm than most of the other energies within you. Even your self-preservation energy has not been able to wrest control from its grip. Why not name the energy inside of you that runs things so it can drink? Write down any reasons that occur to you not to name the energy inside of you that runs things so it can drink.

Naming Your Different Energies

Use your imagination––dust it off if you haven’t used it for a while––to help you get started identifying your own cast of distinct energies. If this, “I want another drink,” voice within you had a face, what would it look like? If you were to give this energy a name, what would you call it? If it were to name itself, what would it want to be called? If it weren’t drinking what would it want to do? This is one of the most important questions to answer, because this energy will still need expression after you take away its bottle.

Take your time to explore these questions, but be sure to note the very first things that come into your mind. Write your initial reactions, along with later thoughts, in your notebook.

Do you ever feel optimistic energy? If this confident energy within you had a face, what would it look like? If it had a voice, what would it sound like? What would it have to say? If you were to give this energy a name, what would you call it? If it were to name itself, what would it want to be called? What has it taken to invoke this energy within you in the past? What adversity have you overcome using this energy? How do you summon (name your optimistic energy here) and reinforce its leading the rest of your internal posse?

Who is the frightened one in you hiding in the background afraid to participate? Who is the one who rarely, if ever, comes into the spotlight, yet, nonetheless, lets its fears and anxieties affect your behavior? If this timid energy within you had a face, what would it look like? If it had a voice, what would it sound like? What would it have to say? If you were to give this energy a name, what would you call it? If it were to name itself, what would it want to be called? What can you do to demonstrate that it has nothing to fear? If (name this energy here) felt free to express itself what would emerge?

Who is this hero within you that has taken on the profound challenge of unseating the dictator demanding drink? If this courageous energy within you had a face what would it look like? If it had a voice what would it sound like? What would it have to say? If you were to give this energy a name what would you call it? What would it want to be called? What other qualities does your hero have? What has it taken to invoke this energy within you in the past? What adversity have you overcome using this energy? How do you summon (name your courageous energy here) and reinforce its taking control in this battle?

Don’t stop with the examples I have given. What energies within you––unique to your personal history––need voices? What other energies can you identify within yourself that give voice to their needs through impulses to action? Take all the time you need with these questions.

Do you have a pessimist, a lover, an angry energy, a helpful one? What others? If these energies within you had faces, what would they look like? If they had voices, what would they sound like? What would they have to say? If you were to give these energies names, what would they be? If they were to name themselves, what would they want to be called? How do you summon them, and when do they show up unexpectedly? Make notes in your notebook as ideas occur to you.

Observe yourself over the course of the day and ask yourself often, “Who is in charge now?” Notice when a new mood surfaces. Ask yourself, “What energy is this?” Learn to recognize it again, and when you are familiar with it you can give it a name.

In addition to the energies we consciously uncover and name, there are energies we are not conscious of that are also trying to run the show. Much drinking to excess is the result of unconscious motivations. Drinking can be the result of denying something we have chosen to render ourselves unaware of in our conscious life. Have you been (ab)using alcohol to keep things hidden that you weren’t ready to face when you began drinking?

Even though we may be driven by unconscious energies part of the time, we can discover, and make conscious, many formerly-unconscious impulses by the simple act of observing ourselves. Watch for behaviors you feel driven to carry out (bad moods, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, eating the wrong foods, overeating), rather than excitedly motivated to perform (writing, dancing, singing, hiking, swimming, helping others, learning...). Once you’ve become conscious of a behavior you feel driven to carry out, you can begin to attend to the needs of the energy behind it in a healthy way.

Keep asking––until you get an answer––”How did (fill in your own name for The Drinker) get in charge in the first place? Why has it been running the show with so many other energies within me worthy of attention and expression?”

If it weren’t drinking what would this energy want to do? How can you encourage The Drinker to creatively express itself? Write down everything that comes to mind for the next several weeks.

Get to know as many of your subpersonalities as you can, and let each one’s concerns become real to you. You will soon begin to recognize the ones that might try to go overboard and attempt to run everything. The opportunity for this to happen lessens in proportion to your addressing their needs in healthy, life-sustaining ways.

See that the timid part gets reassurance, the skeptical part, information. Give your courageous energy an heroic mission. Encouraging your energies to express themselves positively keeps them from having to burst forth with pent-up pressure, inconveniently upstaging all of your other intentions, as The Drinker currently has.

“The Observer”

When you say, “I think,” or “I feel,” or “I want,” or “I am going to…” which one of your subpersonalities is speaking? At any given moment, it could be any one of them. Yet, above them all––due to its perspective––is the one we can refer to as The Observer who watches everything, detached from the current situation; the one with a bigger picture of your life than the more limited view your conscious mind normally holds. This is the part of you sitting on your shoulder noticing which other part of you has taken over your life for now. The Observer’s perspective can help you once you are aware that it even exists and you begin to see what it sees.

Already, you have become conscious that the energy within you that depends upon alcohol has intimidated all of the rest of the energies within you to the degree that it has gotten its own way. But finally, somehow––by grace, or some residual positive karma from a past life, or simply evolution––you’ve glimpsed a peek at the much larger perspective that your Observer has, and you know from a very deep level that it is time to move beyond alcohol.

If you try, you can always take the perspective of The Observer and be aware of which one of the energies within you is in control at any moment, and where your current actions are taking you. Taking the perspective of The Observer can help you snap yourself out of moods and help you change actions that, otherwise, might lead to more trouble for you.

Nurture your relationship with The Observer within you and you will get to know much more about who you are and how you relate to others. The more you take the perspective of the observing energy within you, the sooner you can get to know your different parts and how they can help you achieve your goals and dreams.

Getting All of Your Parts to Work Together

As you walk, and as you sit in contemplation enlist the parts of yourself that you believe can help you quit. Ask yourself, “How do I use the skepticism of my pessimistic energy, the vision of my optimistic energy, and the courage of the heroic energy within me to gain my unconditional freedom from alcohol?”

You can choose to tap the energy of all of your different impulses and have them work together in your best interest. In the harmony of a common purpose all of your disparate energies can join together as a formidable will. You can use this powerful force to accomplish anything––even to overcome addiction.

Questioning Yourself

Who within you is ultimately in charge?

Let’s try the questions that I asked throughout this chapter again. With a twist. I’ve reworded them so you can ask them of yourself. Take your time. Do you have anything more important to do?

What are your answers? Write your ideas down in your notebook: your first thoughts, your conjectures, your reasonable hypotheses, your conclusions. Review your answers often as you work with more and more of the material to come. If you approach these questions sincerely, and feel for the truth in the ideas that come to you while in quiet contemplation of them, you will gain greater understanding of yourself.

Start by pestering the unseen energy behind everything. Keep asking until you get a sense that you are making progress. Can’t you hear me knocking? How do I resurrect my life?”

Then begin pestering yourself. What do I really want to do with my life?

Is there anything in my life more important than my next drink?

What could possibly keep me from becoming intimate with alcohol today?

Do I want to feel good about myself more than I want to drink?

Do I want my relationships with others more than my relationship with alcohol?

Do I want my job more than I want to drink?

Do I want my sanity more than inebriation?

Do I want to feel good physically more than I want to drink?

Do I want to create things with my mind and hands more than I want to drink?

Am I going to live and thrive, or am I going to extinguish the light that was given to me?

Am I going to deny the world my unique offering (without even knowing what it is yet)?

Who is this drinker in me?

Why does it seek inebriation?

If this, “I demand another drink,” voice within me had a face, what would it look like?

If I were to give this energy a name, what would I call it?

If it were to name itself, what would it want to be called?

What needs of its do I satisfy by drinking?

How did (fill in your own name for The Drinker) get in charge in the first place?

If it weren’t drinking what would this energy want to do?

How can I encourage (The Drinker) to express itself creatively?

How has (The Drinker) been able to run the show for so long with so many other energies within me worthy of attention and expression?

How many parts of me are being denied and drowned out by The Drinker having taken over the whole show?

Who are these energies within me that want to be alcohol-free?

Do I ever feel optimistic energy?

How do I summon (name your optimistic energy here) and reinforce its leading the rest of the energies within me?

Who is the frightened one in me hiding in the background, afraid to participate?

Who is the one who rarely, if ever, comes into the spotlight, yet nonetheless lets its fears and anxieties affect my behavior?

If this timid energy within me had a face, what would it look like?

If I were to give this energy a name, what would I call it?

If it were to name itself, what would it want to be called?

If (name your timid energy) had a voice, what would it sound like?

What would it have to say?

What can I do to demonstrate that it has nothing to fear?

If it felt free to express itself what would emerge?

Who is this hero within me that has taken on the profound challenge of unseating the dictator demanding alcohol?

If this courageous energy within me had a face what would it look like?

If it had a voice what would it sound like?

What would it have to say?

If I were to give this energy a name what would I call it?

What would it want to be called?

What other qualities does my hero have?

What has it taken to invoke this energy within me in the past?

What adversity have I overcome using this energy?

How do I summon (name your courageous energy here) and reinforce its taking control in this battle?

What other energies within me––unique to my personal history––need voices?

What other energies can I identify within myself that give voice to their needs through impulses to action?

Do I have a pessimist, a lover, an angry energy, a helpful one? What others?

If these energies within me had faces, what would they look like?

If they had voices, what would they sound like?

What would they have to say?

If I were to give these energies names, what would they be?

If they were to name themselves, what would they want to be called?

How do I summon them?

When do they show up unexpectedly?

Have I been (ab)using alcohol to keep things hidden that I wasn’t ready to face when I began drinking?

How do I use the skepticism of my pessimistic energy, the hope of my optimistic energy, and the courage of the heroic energy within me to gain my unconditional freedom from alcohol?

Who within me is ultimately in charge?

Keep asking. Keep listening. Keep working.

If you’ve read this far, I am glad that I published this post and I wish you well. Parts one and two, The Foreword and The Introduction are accessible by going to https://www.oregondudrops.com and clicking on the Blog page.

Coming Friday, October 15th

Chapter Two

SURVIVING WITHDRAWAL

Detoxification––Riding Out The Storm