Alcoholism’s Antidote: Self-Discovery, Insights from an Alcohol Survivor, 25 years Free! Chapter III Maintaining Sobriety
Welcome to the fifth in a seven-part serialization of my book:
Alcoholism’s Antidote: Self-Discovery, Insights from an Alcohol Survivor, 25 years Free!
Published in 2013. That's thirty-three years of sobriety as of September 24, 2021!
CHAPTER III
Maintaining Sobriety
Nurturing the Parts of You That Want to Live
Your desire to be alcohol-free is like a sprouting seed that needs to be tended carefully until its roots have taken hold and it can grow in strength and maturity, produce a flowering and ultimately, bear fruit. In this chapter we will explore ways to support the parts of you that want to live, that they might share the fruits of their energies.
Time to Start Keeping Track
How long can you go without taking a drink? How long can you go without thinking about taking a drink? Daily note the number of days you have been without alcohol. Write the number down. For added encouragement you may want to tally the number of drinks you have not consumed since you quit. Add any miscellaneous thoughts. Sign off with, “From deep down inside of me comes the desire and determination not to drink today.”
What are you experiencing psychologically, physically and emotionally after seven days of sobriety? Write down your thoughts, moods, urges and successes.
Here is an excerpt from my journal after I had been sober for one week:
I have come to the realization that I cannot drink anymore. Not even that first and only, celebrative, sadness-induced, or any, otherwise, disguised or faultily-reasoned drink. The consequences have been too high a price paid already. I’ve come to the realization that if I am to salvage what is left of my time this go-around and progress to the next level of consciousness I had better remain conscious. The purpose of this diary, my first ever, is to watch my progress toward that goal; to put in writing my resolve every day to stay sober.
Today is a Sunday. I have a “good” sunburn from being with M. and O. [fiancee and her daughter] yesterday in the hot sun at Lake Berryessa. I told M. of my desire to stay sober. She’s heard it before, but even she mentioned that she recognizes something, feels something, that is different this time.
From deep down inside of me comes the desire and determination not to drink today.
What are you experiencing psychologically, physically and emotionally after fourteen days of sobriety? Make notes of your thoughts, moods, urges and successes. Write down how many drinks you would have consumed that never made their way into your blood stream. Keep track. Don’t make a chore out of it. Keep your notebook handy and write down things as they happen.
Here is an excerpt from my journal after I had been sober for two weeks:
I went to Marine World with my two darlings yesterday. (As I write this M. is telling me to write down that she loves me for doing this.) Then we went to the Berkeley pier to watch the fireworks display across San Francisco Bay. Pier 39 was celebrating an anniversary. It was the most elaborate fireworks demonstration I have ever seen.
Just now I am getting ready to leave on a day trip to Point
Reyes, Drake’s Beach and Bodega Bay looking for whales and
extraordinary sights.
From deep down inside of me comes the desire and determination NOT to drink to day.
What are you experiencing psychologically, physically and emotionally after three weeks of sobriety? Write your thoughts, moods, urges and successes as they occur after twenty-one days. How many drinks haven’t you had now?
Here is an excerpt from my journal after I had been sober for three weeks:
Today I hung up a major glass mobile [9 bulbs] that I have been working on.
From deep down inside of me comes the desire and determination NOT to drink today.
Notice that within three weeks of alcohol cessation I have begun expressing myself creatively. What suppressed creativity will spring from your sober self? Are you a dancer, a painter, a sculptor, a singer, an instrumentalist, a carpenter, an actor, something not on this list?
Also, please note that your journal entries don’t have to be very long. It is important to write the final line, or your version of it every day though.
What are you experiencing psychologically, physically and emotionally after four months of sobriety? Write your thoughts, moods, urges and successes as they occur after being free for a hundred and twenty days. How many drinks haven’t you had now?
Here is an excerpt from my journal after I had been sober for four months:
At some point today I will have completed a THIRD of a YEAR!! Congratulations, Du Bois!
"From deep down inside of me comes the Desire and
Determination not to drink today.
On the next day I wrote:
I had a wonderful Dinner and Cake and non-alcoholic Mimosa celebration, complete with congratulatory card, put on for me, by M. and O. last night to mark my 1st third of a year of sobriety. M. said, and wrote in the card, that my not drinking has benefited our whole family, which means a lot, a whole lot, to me.
From Deep down inside of me comes the Desire and Determination not to drink today.
What are you experiencing psychologically, physically and emotionally after three hundred and sixty-five days of sobriety? Write down your thoughts, moods, urges and successes as they occur after three hundred and sixty-five days. Write down what it is like to have been sober for a year. Celebrate by calculating how much alcohol never crossed your lips. Then let it go.
Here is an excerpt from my journal after I had been sober for almost one year:
Made $200 today. No cigarettes for 26 days.
I love my life,
I love my job,
My wife– and daughter–to–be…
If I were any happier,
You’d have to institutionalize me.
"’m very happy with my job. I am motivated to make the
changes to be more successful in my vocation.
We’re Going to South Bend for mom’s 70th. Big surprise.
I’ll save up for the tickets over the next month.
From DEEP down inside of me comes the desire and determination NOT to drink today.
Or smoke!
P.S. I turned down a glass of wine from a client tonight. I told my host, 'Thanks, but I've already had more than my share.' We chuckled.
Register Your Dreams and Moods Upon Awakening
Be sure to note the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night. Add to them any that you can remember after a normal night’s sleep. Get as many details of your dreams on paper as soon as you can before the short-lived images disappear. Then spend some time with them. Register how your dream made you feel, as well as what you think, and write them both down.
If you have a sleep-mate ask him or her to wake you up if they notice you talking, or more dramatically, yelling, or even screaming, in your sleep. Write down what you were experiencing in your dream while it is still fresh in your mind. Don’t forget to note what you were feeling; both in the dream and upon awakening. A note pad by your bed will make this easy.
You don’t have to be an expert dream analyst to gain some insight into your dreams and psychological progress. If you would like to glean even more from your dreams, however, check out Jeremy Taylor’s, Where People Fly, and Water Runs Uphill. His brilliant exposition on dreams is very enlightening regarding the journey of self-discovery as well. Spend time with the notes you make regarding your dreams. Let the ideas they represent evolve in your conscious mind for hours and days until insights start bubbling up.
Be sure to take note of the moods you find yourself in when you wake. If you are particularly angry or depressed upon awakening, make notes from the first ideas that come to your mind. See if you can get a hint of what is behind whatever emotion you are experiencing.
Eventually, and often when you are occupied with something completely different, answers to your questions, along with entirely new ideas, will break through to your conscious mind providing you with a broader perspective. This is evidence of your evolvement. Write these ideas down while they are fresh too. Don’t forget to add how they make you feel.
The importance of writing this information down is that––aside from the rare epiphany––answers to our most profound questions generally come only in small bits rather than all at once. Often we have to accumulate a lot of hints before we get enough material to discover patterns and relationships. Stick with it and much about who you are will be revealed to you.
Explore What Life Is Like Sober
After I quit drinking I would get the most exquisite, exhilarating feeling by simply not having to hide my drinking, or disguise my alcoholic breath, anymore. Make your life and health (physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual) your highest priority for the foreseeable future. Explore what life is like sober. Focus on how sobriety can put your life back together, even create a new and brighter life than alcohol ever allowed you to imagine.
So focus on you for now and direct your thoughts away from alcohol. You will be in a unique position to help others when you are on your feet, having gone through this trial yourself.
Choose a Healthy Release
“It’s fun to drink. I like the way it tastes. I deserve a drink. I’ve earned it.” Sure you deserve a drink! Who in this incomprehensible world doesn’t deserve an escape now and again. You also deserve health and psychological balance. Choose a healthy escape that works toward relieving the anxiety you went to alcohol to ease. You can fill the time you spent drinking with activities that interest you.
Obviously you like to take risks. You’ve been risking your life and, perhaps, others’ as well. The risk-taking energy within you needs a positive outlet. Prepare and execute something exciting in your life that accomplishes something wonderful, and gives you the feeling of excitement that you crave.
Start by making a list of what you want to accomplish and experience before you die. This will help you find new ways of spending your precious time. What plans have you put off since you dreamed them up in childhood? Where will you go? What will you create? Who will you become?
Read biographies of people you respect, noting how they overcame adversity in their lives. Read other books that lift your spirit and inspire you to action.
Stretch. Walk. Exercise. Starting at whatever physical condition you’ve let your body fall into, it’s time to start moving in ways that will strengthen it. Be gentle. Until you are past the worst of the detoxification process don’t stress your system with a major regimen. Your body has its hands full gathering and dispensing with all of the poison it has accumulated from your drinking. Once you begin to feel better and better use some of your energy to exercise and strengthen your body.
Participate in activities in nature. Treat yourself to hikes in the woods and walks on the beach at the ocean or a Great Lake––any big water with big sky above it. Visit the desert in the Spring, explore underground caverns (a great physical metaphor for exploring your own depths). Follow a river to a waterfall. Observe the sunrise and sunset and moonrise and moonset. Find and visit a place where the stargazing is clear. Find some natural setting within a reasonable distance of your home that can be your primary spot to visit when you want to get away. Seek natural settings further away for short and long-term trips. Experience the overwhelming grandeur of mother nature as often as you can.
Nature will heal your body, if you help her by seeking healthy choices in everything you do. She will heal your non-physical parts too with enough time spent out of doors in her embrace and enough time within your own nature in contemplation.
Learn a new art, skill, or craft. I taught myself a skill that has allowed my wife, Cathleen, and me to support ourselves creating art. I didn’t believe I had it in me when I was drinking. What creativity is hiding within you?
Get involved in a group devoted to one of your interests.
When alone, meditate on the question of your life’s purpose.
When you have found your purpose, contemplate how to create your vision in the physical world.
Once you have found how to create your life’s purpose in the physical world, Create It!
Pour Your Feelings Into Creative Activity
Pour your feelings into creating something. Write your story. Build a boat. Grow something. Paint a picture. Express yourself in a project that says something about who you are, and how you think and feel. Use your nervous energy to get all of the details correct. Use your angry energy for stamina to carry you through to your goal. Use your formerly-stifled energy to express as many of your sub-personalities in as many positive ways as you can.
Use your increasingly joyful energy for creation too. I was so joy-filled for my first year of freedom from alcohol that I composed and sang songs to and from work each day through the stop-and-go-and-stop-again traffic of the San Francisco Bay area.
Ask for Help from Among the Living
Keep in touch with people you can look to for support; those who want to know how many drinks you haven’t had, those who wish to congratulate you on your progress, those with whom you feel you can share.
Though friends can offer encouragement, don’t expect them to give you much more than that. They have challenges that they are working through too. Besides, they couldn’t do your growing for you even if they tried.
Ask for Help from Among The Former Living
Anyone you have been close to or loved who has passed on can be, at the very least, moral support, and possibly much more. Ask. Do you have someone from your past who inspired you, someone whose love you felt? Imagine a warm, encouraging and on-going conversation with them. If you don’t have someone like that, and even if you do, please read on.
Ask for Help from Among Your Spiritual Lights
Breathe deeply and slowly until you contact a place within yourself where you feel you can communicate with That which created you. Pray for the strength to follow through with what you know you need to do. Believe that there are benevolent energies on your side. Try to remember when you have been helped out of some jam in your past that only Divine intervention could explain. Ask for the inspiration to succeed in your current effort.
I was very lucky. In the first year of my celebrating sobriety, I came upon information that broadened my concept of what our Source could be. It went way beyond anything I had been taught in the eight years of Cath-oholic school that I attended. It went universes beyond the petulant god of the Old Testament, made jealous (a very human––not a very God-like––trait), by his own creatures.
...I am a jealous God,
visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children
unto the third and fourth generation.
(Exodus 20:5)
I tapped into an energy beyond anything I had ever before conceived. Not limited to human characteristics, this omniscient, omnipresent Omnipotence is beyond the power of words to describe; transcendent of, yet saturating all of time and space; infinitely old before creating our universe out of Itself. Ideas about It are as old as philosophy itself. The ancient seers of India, up to seven thousand years ago, referred to this energy which cannot be described––because there are no words to encompass It––by using the impersonal pronoun That.
That which cannot be expressed in words,
but by which the tongue speaks...
That which is not comprehended by the mind,
but by which the mind comprehends...
That which is not seen by the eyes,
but by which the eye sees.
The ancient seers gave “That” a name; not to be confused with any god that could be envisioned. That name is Brahma. According to Joseph Campbell, it derives from Brrh, the sound of creation.
...Know That to be Brahman.
Brahman is not the being worshiped by men.
Kena Upanishad
If you meditate on these ideas, and seek even more from the Upanishads, you too may come to a broader understanding of how we are all connected to this great power, and you’ll find out for yourself how you can put it to use. It is beyond the scope of this little book to go further in this discussion with the exception of my giving you a list of books and authors that spoke to me during this critical period of my recovery. They inspire me to this day.
I recommend anything by Joseph Campbell. I suggest his interview with Bill Moyers, The Power of Myth, to start. His fascinating, The Hero’s Journey, is filled with insights into an individual’s self-discovery. He employs myths shared by disparate cultures––though cloaked in each society’s own symbols––to illustrate his points.
The discovery and nurturing of a person’s spiritual nature is the subject of Evelyn Underhill’s monumental, Mysticism, The Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness. She uses the words and life stories of spiritualists, saints and mystics of the past to illustrate her exploration of what it is to connect with Divinity. She also addresses the opposite condition, “The dark night of the soul,” which you may be experiencing.
Paramahansa Yogananda’s, Autobiography of a Yogi, was quite instrumental in broadening my perspective. Any of his writings that I’ve come across have been quite eye-opening spiritually, and quite spiritual-eye opening. A great collection of his lectures is contained in Man’s Eternal Quest.
I reread all of the material I am suggesting. I find new inspiration every time I do. Hermann Hesse’s, Siddhartha, and The Upanishads, written down by unnamed sage saints of the ancient past are as inspiration-filled and dear to me as any of the books I have listed above.
You can gain strength and understanding from other people’s experience. Reading lets you absorb the material at your own pace. Try my suggestions. See if they work for you, but be on the lookout for more material that inspires you, especially anything that seems to appear out of nowhere. Why should resources appropriate to you and your circumstances show up now? You are finally ready for them.
A couple of years after I quit drinking I was still writing in my journal. At that time, due to my own carelessness, I slid down a mountain glacier right smack (Ouch!) into the multi-sized rocks of a moraine. When I gathered my wits and slowly got my damaged parts to move, a mantram came to me that I repeated all the way down the mountain. I credit it for my reaching my car three thousand feet of mountain below the spot where I fell, and for allowing me to drive for five hours to get home. Thereafter, I added it to the end of my journal entries.
Thinking of the concept of Brahma mentioned above, I repeated,
"God is in me. I am safe. God is in me. I am strong. God is in me. I am safe. God is in me. I am strong. God is in me. I am safe. God is in me I am strong.”
Try it and see if you feel anything. These phrases have never failed to make me feel connected to something much grander than myself. They have never failed to help me. I recovered from my smashed tailbone within six weeks.
Pray, meditate, contemplate. Pray for inspiration. Meditate on what you realize. Contemplate how to incorporate what you learn into your daily life. Get quiet in a peaceful setting where you won’t be interrupted and think and wonder and listen for the answers to your many conundrums. The more often you seek the silence beyond your own thoughts and “the light behind the darkness of closed eyes,” as Yogananda puts it, the more insights you will have.
I will share with you a very personal prayer of mine. I use it to begin many days, many meditations and almost every trip I take. It lifts my spirit and helps me feel supported by wholly magnanimous energies that exist just beyond our physical senses.
I open to all of the positive essence, spirit and energy
That have my best interest at heart.
Lead me this day to heaven’s embrace
And teach me my place in All.
On Forgiving Yourself and Others
Come to terms with what you have done. Then let it go. Do something to compensate for your sins if you feel the need to, then go on doing the very best you can. Whatever has been done to you can be neutralized and left behind too after you have worked through it. Write your story, or express your discontent in any creative or physically expressive (non-violent) way you want, (see Anger, Aggression, Chapter II) so that you can get this psychological poison outside of yourself, leaving in its wake, room for forgiveness.
You cannot force yourself to forgive anyone. Coerced forgiveness does not release the negative energy remaining from whatever caused the need for forgiving. However, if you are able to release your toxic emotions through your creative efforts, forgiveness will naturally and spontaneously occur. This is true forgiveness, forgiveness with no strings or hidden agendas. Once you’ve reached this state of mind you can let the issue go.
You will have fewer reasons to forgive or to be forgiven if you resolve to be more tolerant of others’ human failings, while doing your very best from now on.
Be Your Own Cheerleader
Ask for help from among the living, ask for help from among those you know who are no longer among the living, ask for help from among your spiritual lights and read of other individuals’ experiences, but recognize that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself to get you through. Many people are accessible, if only through books, to offer encouragement, and many tools are at your service, but, of course, you have to put them to use to realize any benefit from them.
Have faith in the energy deep within you that got you this far. Even if it feels far away at times, believe that your impulse to stop drinking comes from an even deeper universal reservoir, and now that you’ve called upon it, the Divine Intelligence that created you won’t leave you stranded or alone.
On Wrestling With The Devil
When your outlook is darkest and you might even be considering, “I could have one drink,” consider that you might as well be wrestling with the devil. You certainly are grappling with its equivalent in alcohol. As my determination to leave the bottle behind me strengthened I didn’t buckle to temptation anymore. If things got a little dicey I would imagine myself physically wrestling with a smelly, warty, slimy, wily demon. I pictured myself pinning him every time he showed up with another offer of a drink. As I write this, it doesn’t seem like it took very long before he never showed up again.
Your outlook is going to brighten more with each week that you remain sober. Besides, one drink will never satisfy, and if you had even one, you’d be a drinker again. Right back where you started and losing ground. The short-term euphoria that a drink, or several, would provide can’t compare with the long-term joy generated by refusing to be sucked into even that first one. Be strong. Stand firm. Use all of the tools you have to supplement your will and win.
Don’t be afraid to kick the devil’s ass!
Thank you for reading this far. I wish you well.
Watch for the 6th excerpt from:
Alcoholism’s Antidote: Self-Discovery, Insights from an Alcohol Survivor, 25 years Free!:
Chapter Four:
Facing Why You Began to Drink
Friday, October 29th, 2021
If you would like to read the other excerpts, I have them named and linked below for your convenience.
FORWARD
You Can Only Quit for Yourself
https://www.oregondudrops.com/.../alcoholisms-antidote...
INTRODUCTION
So You Know I Know
https://www.oregondudrops.com/.../alcoholisms-antidote...
CHAPTER 1
Taking Charge
https://www.oregondudrops.com/.../alcoholisms-antidote...
CHAPTER 2
Surviving Withdrawal